You know that moment of surrender? After you have been fighting and kicking and holding on to every ounce of control you can — yet still feeling bitter and tired and frustrated. That moment when your mind, body and soul all come together to shout, "Enough, I won't be held captive to this anymore."
And then it’s as if that dark veil that had been covering your eyes for so long is lifted, and all you can see is grace upon grace and rolling hills of fresh new life before you. This is where I stand. Although the process of surrendering and letting my false notion of expectations for this life fade away has been a long process, I can finally feel the weight lifted off of me.
The freedom that comes from choosing to no longer walk in anger or fear sends you soaring into a place filled with faith ... faith that no matter what you encounter, there are hands to hold you and arms to walk you through.
I've often wondered if my struggle with surrender has kept me from seeing the little miracles and blessings bestowed upon us each day, if that barrier I have placed before me has halted every good and perfect gift. But rest assured my friends — even in the struggle, we aren't alone. And those gifts — they get poured out in abundance with even the littlest of faith.
The greatest thing about surrendering and choosing to believe despite every obstacle is the miracles you begin to witness. As if that gentle hand of love reaches down to remind you that He hasn't forgotten. That each step in our faith draws us closer, and that He loves imaginably more than you could ever comprehend.
This past week we witnessed an incredible miracle. As we found ourselves in the ALS clinic for Mom's progression appointment, like so many times before we prepared to hear the statistics and numbers that have permeated us for the last two years. The testing began, and Mom was handed her antiquated tubing to conduct her breathing test. The tech placed her plug over Mom's nose and set the machine. Mom was told to take a deep breath in and blow out in the tube for as long as she could and for as hard as she could. I watched as I always do, and I saw an effortless blow. I remember thinking, "Wow, I don't even know the last time I saw her do that so well." The tech commented on her strength and with disbelief began asking Mom questions regarding her BiPAP and diaphragm pacer. She then had Mom test an additional two times. In total, Mom completed three tests with the same effortless blow of air.
As each therapist, nurse and doctor came and went in our room, we heard over and over how great her breathing test went. When Dr. Ladha came in and did his assessment, and he told us that her FVC (the amount of air she can exhale) measured at 63 percent. Three months ago, with the same test, Mom was told she measured at 34 percent. We were shocked and full of emotion. We know the importance of these numbers and the meaning behind them, and there was nothing left to do but to immediately offer up a praise of thanksgiving.
It is truly amazing what happens when you surrender, and there is no denying that God is and has been performing a miracle through this crazy mess of ALS. We certainly don't know what is to come in this adventure, but with each glimpse of His glory that He places upon us, we rest assured that every detail of our lives is intricately knitted in the palm of His hand.
I don't think that we can say it enough — we covet your prayers and are forever grateful for them. We believe that even when we don't get an immediate response, God is faithful and prayer is powerful.
This blog was originally posted on May 21, 2013.
About the Author
I am a twenty-something, vibrant and creative new mommy to the most handsome and charming little boy! I live a life of passion and find joy in God's creation. I have created this blog in honor of my beautiful mom Linda! She is my inspiration and my best friend! On Nov. 30, 2010, she was diagnosed with ALS, a devastating and heartbreaking disease. My desire is for this blog to bring encouragement and hope to other families who are suffering with a terminal illness. Grab a cup of coffee or some lemonade, and join us as we laugh, cry and celebrate this incredible life we have been given!
Tara Turner lives in Gilbert, Ariz. Check out her blog, A Beautiful Life: One girl’s journey through the trials and grace of supporting a mom with ALS.